Wednesday, 21 March 2012

I'm running with the Olympic torch! :) :) :) :) ... :) ... WAIT WHAT?!

May, 2011

"She's just sitting there doing nothing, look at her."

"Yeah, she's been like that for ages. I'm worried, I really am."

"We need to do something. Throw something at her, make her at least breathe a bit deeper."

"Or move." 

"Or that. She shuffles like Pingu now, have you noticed?"

"Hahaha yeah, and she does that thing you know-"

"That *demonstrates* thing yeah hahaha."

"Hahahahahaha."

"*sigh* What a numpty."

*louise stands up, walks to the window, stares out, goes at sits back down to continue scrolling*

"Oh."

"I thought we had progress there."

"I've had enough. Let's make something big happen, like, like PUTTING HER ON TELE!"

"But she's already done that, and coped disappointingly well with it. Formed actual coherent sentences, did some funnies. I even made Jon Snow ask her if she KNITS, and she didn't bat an eyelid."

"True. We need to put her on tele but make her uncomfortable or embarrassed."

"Embarrassing Bodies."

"She's tweets about her boobs, I hardly think that would faze her."

"Slut."

"What does she hate doing?"

"Moving, we've established that."

"Let's make her run."

"But she can't-"

"Running."

"It's a non starte-"

"Running."

"She'll HURT HERSE-"

"Running with fire."

"Look you can't ju-...wait, what?"

"Let's make her run with fire."

"...you are ridiculous. I thought you making her put orange peel up her nose was too far, but THIS?"

"Look, she was only meant to stick it up there a BIT, so it DANGLED, not stick it up so far she nearly DIED."

"You really think we should do this? HOW? Running with fire's not a nor-"

*chariots of fire plays*


"Oh. Oh I see. I SEE. The Olympics! We should make her a TORCHBEARER! You, my friend, are a genius. This is perfect."


"She'll look a mentalist. Remember the bin incident?"


"RAN INTO IT! Still got the scar. "


"Has her toenail grown back from her last running attempt?"

"Idiot. She knew those converses were too small for her."

"Tsk, converses."

"Conhurtses.....HAHAHAHAHA-"

"Stop."

"..."

"So, are we gonna do this then? Make her a torchbearer? Run in front of the nation, in a uniform, grasping a torch alight with THE flame, and, have I mentioned, IN FRONT OF THE NATION?!?!"


*louise turns around quizzically. "Muuuum." "Yeah?" "Did you say something?" "No, but if you want to hoov-" turns up music.*

"Shhuusshhh, we need to keep quiet about this. SHE needs to keep quiet about this....for 10 months."

"TEN? She could have a baby in that time."

"Yeah well I'm not mentioning that palava again, she actually liked that suggestion."

"Send the email then. Go on. Make them choose her. Louise Jones, part of a historical incredible event. Louise Jones. *sobs* Louise Jones THIS IS LOUISE JONES SHE'LL BE A RIGHT TIT NO STO-"

"Done."

"...you've sent it?"

"Yep. Look..."

*louise leans forward towards her laptop. she gasps, mumbling "Shitting hell." before running downstairs screaming "MUUUUM! THEY WANT ME TO RUN WITH THE BLOODY TORCH NEXT YEAR! THEY WANT ME TO...hold on...they want me to RUN..."*

"Oh, God."

"Let the games begin."



March, 2012

Yep. This is happening. I got an email last May asking if I wanted to be a Torchbearer. Not saying I'd be nominated, but that I could just BE one. Yeah, they trust me THAT MUCH with this. Idiots. So, obviously, I said yes, but until now I've had to keep it a secret. I've learnt that when I'm asked to be the next Doctor Who companion I can easily keep THAT a secret after this (Moffat, call me whenevs).

I'm running on Friday 6th July, around 6pm, in Brentwood, and I want loads of you there! This is a pretty big deal so the streets lined with you lot would be ace. I, evidently, cannot run, so need the moral support and dignity put-back-togetherers. Also, if any media type people want to cover me/it then email me: louise-9@hotmail.co.uk. (that's a technicality of this i've been asked to say, i'm not being arrogant, promise)

One foot in front of the other, how hard can it be? VERY HARD, ESPECIALLY WITH A BLOODY EXPENSIVE TORCH THAT'S ON FIRE AND THE WORLD WATCHING. HELP ME. FOR THE LOVE OF NANS. HELP ME. Yeah s'fine whatever love it easy shut up.

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Look at you, drinking your tea. You like it do you? Tea? Hmm? Wrongen.

"I've had an idea."

I'm doomed in four words.

"You need to start learning how to cook, clean, wash, and budget for when you're at uni..."

"'need' is a strong word..."

"SO, each month from April, I'm going to give you a certain amount of money to spend on your own food, and YOU have to cook every one of your meals. I'm going to stop doing your washing, and cleaning your room too. You should set a day aside each week for you to sort your clothes ......"


Hahahahahahaha going to make me budget hahahahahahaha wash? Hahahahahahaha independencey LOL.

"So, that's what's going to happen. I've already spoken to your dad and he agrees."

Hahahahahahahaha....hahahaha....yeah.....hahahahahahaha.....oh shit she's serious.

I can't be INDEPENDENT. I can cross the Atlantic on my own but that's just following directions. Go West. Done. But sort out my OWN MONEY? WASH MY CLOTHES? IRON? I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW IRONING WORKS. Essentially, being a proper functioning grown up isn't on my to-do list and I don't intend it to be. YES I'M NEARER 19 THAN 18 NOW BUT THAT'S IRRELEVANT. AGE IS BUT A NUMBER. OR SOMETHING.

I've tried to be a grown up. Really I have. Last weekend I tried TEA. It wasn't an easy process, but I took one for the team and bit the bullet. I had to trick myself into doing it by pretending I was making it for mum. Yep, just a normal cuppa for mum. Niiiiiice tea for mum. Mum's tea. Oop, kettle's boiled. Pouring into mum's mug. Slight bit of milk just how mum likes it. Stirring lalala.

"TEA'S READY MUM."


"...what I di..."


"SHUSH DON'T SPEAK JUST YEP TEA NICE TEA."

Then I had to pretend it was a drink I like. "Oh look a mug with nice liquid I'd like to consume and soothe my dry mouth with." And I picked the mug up,  took it to my lips, and was about to make contact when BAM. EYES FLICKED DOWN, SAW BROWN, STOPPED EVERYTHING IN ITS TRACKS. My brain is too clever for its own good.

"OHHHH HO HO HO WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE, EH?! Who do you think you are, attempting to trick ME into letting you try tea? I thought something fishy was going on when Deception was nowhere to be seen. It wasn't until Personality came bounding in being all idiotic and sarcastic saying shit was going down that I stopped reading Take A Brainbreak and forced your eyes down. What were you THINKING? Drop it. Drop it now."


Silly brain, thinking it can control me. My brain can't control me. Oh, hold on. That's how it works. Nevermind.

I was still determined to try it and sat on the kitchen counter, with the mug at eye level, staring intently at the steam. I sat there for half an hour. Family came in and out, not questioning the sight before them, which explains everything really. Only my brother stopped, head cocked to one side, asking what the hell I was doing.

"Trying tea."


"You don't like tea."


"Times are changing, oh young one. Your time will soon come."


"..."


I didn't move my head, but flicked a sharp eye onto him and he got the message to leave me and my tea alone in peace.

Finally, I closed my eyes and went for it.

...

Half of it went down my chin. I can't drink from mugs, clearly.

...

But the stuff that actually went in my mouth?

...

Vile. Why do you people drink it? It's disgusting and should be stopped. I am strongly against the British stereotype of tea-drinking. I'm starting a revolution. More emphasis on the biscuit consuming and costume dramas, please.

DO YOU LIKE TEA? Comment, I won't judge you. *a look*