"I've had an idea."
I'm doomed in four words.
"You need to start learning how to cook, clean, wash, and budget for when you're at uni..."
"'need' is a strong word..."
"SO, each month from April, I'm going to give you a certain amount of money to spend on your own food, and YOU have to cook every one of your meals. I'm going to stop doing your washing, and cleaning your room too. You should set a day aside each week for you to sort your clothes ......"
Hahahahahahaha going to make me budget hahahahahahaha wash? Hahahahahahaha independencey LOL.
"So, that's what's going to happen. I've already spoken to your dad and he agrees."
Hahahahahahahaha....hahahaha....yeah.....hahahahahahaha.....oh shit she's serious.
I can't be INDEPENDENT. I can cross the Atlantic on my own but that's just following directions. Go West. Done. But sort out my OWN MONEY? WASH MY CLOTHES? IRON? I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW IRONING WORKS. Essentially, being a proper functioning grown up isn't on my to-do list and I don't intend it to be. YES I'M NEARER 19 THAN 18 NOW BUT THAT'S IRRELEVANT. AGE IS BUT A NUMBER. OR SOMETHING.
I've tried to be a grown up. Really I have. Last weekend I tried TEA. It wasn't an easy process, but I took one for the team and bit the bullet. I had to trick myself into doing it by pretending I was making it for mum. Yep, just a normal cuppa for mum. Niiiiiice tea for mum. Mum's tea. Oop, kettle's boiled. Pouring into mum's mug. Slight bit of milk just how mum likes it. Stirring lalala.
"TEA'S READY MUM."
"...what I di..."
"SHUSH DON'T SPEAK JUST YEP TEA NICE TEA."
Then I had to pretend it was a drink I like. "Oh look a mug with nice liquid I'd like to consume and soothe my dry mouth with." And I picked the mug up, took it to my lips, and was about to make contact when BAM. EYES FLICKED DOWN, SAW BROWN, STOPPED EVERYTHING IN ITS TRACKS. My brain is too clever for its own good.
"OHHHH HO HO HO WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE, EH?! Who do you think you are, attempting to trick ME into letting you try tea? I thought something fishy was going on when Deception was nowhere to be seen. It wasn't until Personality came bounding in being all idiotic and sarcastic saying shit was going down that I stopped reading Take A Brainbreak and forced your eyes down. What were you THINKING? Drop it. Drop it now."
Silly brain, thinking it can control me. My brain can't control me. Oh, hold on. That's how it works. Nevermind.
I was still determined to try it and sat on the kitchen counter, with the mug at eye level, staring intently at the steam. I sat there for half an hour. Family came in and out, not questioning the sight before them, which explains everything really. Only my brother stopped, head cocked to one side, asking what the hell I was doing.
"You don't like tea."
"Times are changing, oh young one. Your time will soon come."
I didn't move my head, but flicked a sharp eye onto him and he got the message to leave me and my tea alone in peace.
Finally, I closed my eyes and went for it.
Half of it went down my chin. I can't drink from mugs, clearly.
But the stuff that actually went in my mouth?
Vile. Why do you people drink it? It's disgusting and should be stopped. I am strongly against the British stereotype of tea-drinking. I'm starting a revolution. More emphasis on the biscuit consuming and costume dramas, please.
DO YOU LIKE TEA? Comment, I won't judge you. *a look*