Sunday, 11 March 2012

Look at you, drinking your tea. You like it do you? Tea? Hmm? Wrongen.

"I've had an idea."

I'm doomed in four words.

"You need to start learning how to cook, clean, wash, and budget for when you're at uni..."

"'need' is a strong word..."

"SO, each month from April, I'm going to give you a certain amount of money to spend on your own food, and YOU have to cook every one of your meals. I'm going to stop doing your washing, and cleaning your room too. You should set a day aside each week for you to sort your clothes ......"


Hahahahahahaha going to make me budget hahahahahahaha wash? Hahahahahahaha independencey LOL.

"So, that's what's going to happen. I've already spoken to your dad and he agrees."

Hahahahahahahaha....hahahaha....yeah.....hahahahahahaha.....oh shit she's serious.

I can't be INDEPENDENT. I can cross the Atlantic on my own but that's just following directions. Go West. Done. But sort out my OWN MONEY? WASH MY CLOTHES? IRON? I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW IRONING WORKS. Essentially, being a proper functioning grown up isn't on my to-do list and I don't intend it to be. YES I'M NEARER 19 THAN 18 NOW BUT THAT'S IRRELEVANT. AGE IS BUT A NUMBER. OR SOMETHING.

I've tried to be a grown up. Really I have. Last weekend I tried TEA. It wasn't an easy process, but I took one for the team and bit the bullet. I had to trick myself into doing it by pretending I was making it for mum. Yep, just a normal cuppa for mum. Niiiiiice tea for mum. Mum's tea. Oop, kettle's boiled. Pouring into mum's mug. Slight bit of milk just how mum likes it. Stirring lalala.

"TEA'S READY MUM."


"...what I di..."


"SHUSH DON'T SPEAK JUST YEP TEA NICE TEA."

Then I had to pretend it was a drink I like. "Oh look a mug with nice liquid I'd like to consume and soothe my dry mouth with." And I picked the mug up,  took it to my lips, and was about to make contact when BAM. EYES FLICKED DOWN, SAW BROWN, STOPPED EVERYTHING IN ITS TRACKS. My brain is too clever for its own good.

"OHHHH HO HO HO WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE, EH?! Who do you think you are, attempting to trick ME into letting you try tea? I thought something fishy was going on when Deception was nowhere to be seen. It wasn't until Personality came bounding in being all idiotic and sarcastic saying shit was going down that I stopped reading Take A Brainbreak and forced your eyes down. What were you THINKING? Drop it. Drop it now."


Silly brain, thinking it can control me. My brain can't control me. Oh, hold on. That's how it works. Nevermind.

I was still determined to try it and sat on the kitchen counter, with the mug at eye level, staring intently at the steam. I sat there for half an hour. Family came in and out, not questioning the sight before them, which explains everything really. Only my brother stopped, head cocked to one side, asking what the hell I was doing.

"Trying tea."


"You don't like tea."


"Times are changing, oh young one. Your time will soon come."


"..."


I didn't move my head, but flicked a sharp eye onto him and he got the message to leave me and my tea alone in peace.

Finally, I closed my eyes and went for it.

...

Half of it went down my chin. I can't drink from mugs, clearly.

...

But the stuff that actually went in my mouth?

...

Vile. Why do you people drink it? It's disgusting and should be stopped. I am strongly against the British stereotype of tea-drinking. I'm starting a revolution. More emphasis on the biscuit consuming and costume dramas, please.

DO YOU LIKE TEA? Comment, I won't judge you. *a look*

10 comments:

  1. Tea is amazing. Especially with a custard cream or tuuu. Or a lemon muffin.

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  2. I'm with you. Foul stuff. I'm not sure humans are supposed to drink anything opaque after we're weaned off breast milk. I keep promising that I'll learn to drink coffee like a grown-up. So far it isn't working and I still have diet coke with my breakfast. (I'm nearly 40.)

    And don't worry about all that responsible stuff you 'need' at uni. Your standards will drop to a level where you don't find it necessary to wear clean clothes, and by the time you have a job where you're expected to be neat you'll have learnt to buy clothes that don't need ironing and discovered service washes at the laundrette, which you will have had the foresight to live a few doors from. And make sure you stockpile tins of beans from Aldi when you do have money so you can't starve when you don't. It will all work out fine.

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  3. If you waited *half an hour* to drink it, of course it tasted terrible - cold tea is one of the vilest substances known to mankind. A proper brew however, about five minutes after its had the chance to cool slightly, is the nectar of the gods.

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    Replies
    1. It wasn't cold. It was really hot. And it was still vile.

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    2. I do mine with half a cup of cold water. The art of tea making is truly an art.

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  4. "this blog is the funniest thing I've ever read PERIOD"

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  5. Bless your mom for trying to prepare you. Though I wouldn't let her get away with that too easily. You know when you're at uni you will rarely tidy and you definitely won't be ironing anything unless you're off somewhere posh. And even then you'll probably just pick the thing that looks least like a rag. The cooking thing is good though, you should definitely make her show you how. And then maybe nip off, make her a cuppa and sit down at the table and watch from afar with a magazine.

    I don't know what's happened to me. At 18 I was a coffee girl, at 20 I was a tea girl at the OLD age of 24 I am not a fan of either but tea especially. Everyone at work thinks I am weird. I think I'm weird. I just to love it, why don't I now? I did panic and think maybe I was pregnant or something stupid that would turn my taste buds crazy. Now I'm wondering if we've switched tea brands and I didn't notice. Either way, my Earl Grey and Breakfast Tea fascination has dwindled. I'm currently sat drinking Ribena. It is by no means a child's drink.

    Laura x
    http://firstclassramblings.blogspot.com

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  6. Bitch please, tea is fabulous

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    Replies
    1. Get off my blog. No one wants you here.

      Delete
  7. This literally made me crack up - I feel the EXACT same about tea! It is disgusting, watery milk with a hint of urgh to it and yet we are made to feel like we should love it because we are British - something made worse when I became a historian at uni and drinking tea seemed to be something you had to do if you were a REAL historian. I will join you in your revolution!

    Steph @ stephie-in-wonderland.blogspot.com

    x

    ReplyDelete